Harry Says Chapter 31: The Arrest

The usual thing.  I was over at Big Cheese’s.  We were catching up on a few things but mostly just chillin’.  Big Cheese had the big plasma screen on.  A classy bit of kit that.  Cheese liked his computers too and a couple of those were on as well.  Big Cheese was lying on the sofa watching the telly.  A bowl of prawn cat treats was at paw.  Cheese was watching some weird station that nobody ever watched.  Highlights of an old TV show, Strongmen in the Jungle.  A programme from ages ago.  Talk about repeats, this was going back to the Stone Age.  This mousecrap on telly was bunging up the airwaves, making it hard for class guys like myself to get air time.  Strongmen in the Jungle was really dated reality stuff.  Get a bunch of big knuckleheads and stick them in the jungle.  Get them to drag trees around and stuff like that.  Boring, but Cheese seemed to like it.  He was sitting watching it like he was really interested.  Some big guy – those guys were enormous – was in a booth talking to the camera.

“I feel sympathy for my fellow competitors in the circumstances.  I only want to stay in because I want to get the job done.”  And so on, a really good jaw workout.  Suddenly Cheese jumped up.  He pounded on the remote like it was an escaping mouse and changed channels.  The News with Stace and Bob was on.  Cheese’s mood had changed.  He was staring at the TV screen as if he was about to pounce on his prey.  His tail banged against the sofa.  The hair stood up on his body.  Chill out, cat, I thought, it’s only The News.  The big music came first then the stories started.  I knew there wasn’t going to be a story about me tonight as I hadn’t done anything special this week.  I’d spent most of the week hanging out at Club Magik with Chris and the guys from GUYnacology.  I’d had a few too many junglefrenzies and introduced a few hunnie bunnies to the true meaning of the word lurve.  And Harry is the Hamster of Luuuurve.  I’d got into a few celeb mags so it had still been an ok week.  Stace was going through some boring story.

“The GMF Act passed its second reading in the House of Lords today and the Act will become law by the end of the year. Outside Westminster protestors vowed to continue their fight against laws allowing farmers to grow certain genetically modified crops.”

Shot of some hippy guy with a banner.  End of the story.  Stace started another story.

“Police today arrested the MP Peter Harrison at his home in Hull.  Mr Harrison, MP for the Hull constituency for the past five years was arrested at 2.00pm.  In the statement the Chief Constable of Humberside, Michael Baines, said that Mr Harrison would be held in custody and then charged in the next couple of days with offences under the Bestiality Act.  Police removed two computers and several boxes of paperwork from Mr Harrison’s home.”

Shot of the cops taking away stuff from Harrison’s home.  Then on to the next story.

“The Lord Mayor of London, Jasmine Uhuru, today declared open one of London’s most innovative buildings of recent years.  The new London offices of Neazo Incorporated, the American food technology corporation, were designed by Sir Philip Peters.”

Shot of Sir Peters shaking hands with the mayor and Charlie Spitzenburger, CEO of Neazo.  Everyone was smiling and they looked like really happy people.

Cheese jumped from the sofa onto the carpet.  I had just twigged onto something.

“Hey Cheese, isn’t that guy Harrison the same guy who is a mate of Pendrivel?”

“Yes,” said Cheese, “that’s very observant of you Harry.  Harrison is the X-Pet law guy.”

“A good break for us X-Pets then,” I said.

“Yes,” said Cheese, “I’d like to chat but I have to go and prepare a statement.”

Big Cheese was like an unofficial spokesperson for the X-Pets.  He’d even been on telly talking to this Peterson guy.  The press would be after him for a statement.  Cheese got one ready.

“It is with deep regret that I heard of the arrest of Peter Harrison.  Over the past few months I have been working closely with Mr Harrison on the GMA Act, which as I’m sure you all know, was put forward as a private members bill.  I only hope that Mr Harrison’s arrest will not mean that all his good work in this sensitive area will go to waste.  Of course over the course of the recent consultation process we have had our differences.  But I would like to say that I have enormous respect for Mr Harrison’s indefatigable devotion to his constituents and to the interests of the nation.  I also offer my sympathy to Mr Harrison’s family at what must be a difficult time.”

So MP Pete had been into farmyard love.  Sicko.  Harry says prison’s too good for ’em.

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