I was in Vince Spangle’s office. Big Vince was my international agent at the time. It was a small office in a small street in Soho. The office was on the first floor above the Kitty Kat Club, a top pole-dancing venue. Vince had called me in to talk about some work. He had said something on the phone about a trip abroad, raising my international profile. And yeah, the whole world deserved to know about Harry. Harry should be big in Abu Dhabi, Japan, all over. Timbuktu, Baghdad, Peking all countries everywhere should know about Harry. Vince started talking about the work.
“There are big investors involved Harry, really big investors. I’m talking huge. Oilbillies or something. You know what these guys are like – too many newros not enough pussy. There’s a top director on board: remember Last of the Doggiestyle Men?”
Sure I remembered. Great work from Costas Diamantopoulos.
Vince continued, “We haven’t even got a working title yet but we’re talking about something that’s maybe just a little bit more kinky than work you’ve done so far. But here’s the good bit, this kinky stuff is strictly for the Northern Federation market. They love this kind of kinky stuff up there. It’s the long winter nights that do it. It’ll never see the light of day in this country. It’s not that kind of distribution deal. That’s cast iron Harry, I give you my word. And it will be written into your contract. My lawyer is at this very moment drafting the contract and I have his assurance that everything will be watertight. In fact we have two lawyers on the job. So if you are up for it it will be a quick in and out, get the job done and back to blighty in no time. By the way it’s a cash deal, no royalties, complicated legal stuff to do with the way the NorFeds do business. No need for you to worry about it Harry in fact the cash deal is good for you in case the whole thing flops. Good insurance, you never know what’ll go and what won’t. Plus you know what the oilbillies are like – real tightwads when it comes to doling out the old newros. Your fee is five grand plus expenses. Just think Harry, 100 crisp shiny new Lady Thatchers in your paw, sounds good eh? Ready to roll?”
Sounded good to me and I needed the money. Harry says Go For It.
“That’s great Harry. You’re a real pro.”
And I was a real pro. Harry was the best. Harry always got the job done.
I was making good use of the oilbillie expense account by staying at the Oriental. The penthouse suite with a great view of the Chao Phraya river when someone lifted me up so I could see it. The film was going to start shooting next day. Not one to waste time, always on the job, I wanted to schmooze with some celebs if poss. But there wasn’t much going on and media interest was thin on the ground too. I had a measly one interview, with Bizarre Asia. The guy came into the room and I thought what’s that you’ve got on your head mate, a cockatoo? Never seen a hairstyle like it. The interview was short. I filled in the cockatoo guy on my career so far and my plans and on how I was huge in the UK. I posed for a couple of photos and then the guy left. I ended up having a few junglefrenzies and an early night. I had an early start tomorrow.
Next morning over to the studio to start shooting. I was early. Like I said Harry is a real pro. There were a few fans around, a few autograph hunters, a few paparazzi. I signed a few autographs, posed for a few photos, then headed for the Green Room. The script? I usually didn’t bother with one. Harry was a hamster of action and everyone knew what action to expect. Hard, hot and non-stop. No part-time kind of lovin’ when Harry hits the set. Anyway, everyone knew the quality of Costas Diamantopoulos’ work. His Doggiestyle Men had been one the big hits of the last two years. We were all top pros here. Nothing could go wrong. Nice deal for Vince to set up.
Just a quick junglefrenzy and then to work. Costas was all action on the set, a real perfectionist. He said hi Harry are you up for it I hope you liked the script. I said yeah loved the script and a gopher did the clapperboard take 1 thing. We were ready to roll. I got ready to jump on the bed and get going. First shock. There was no bed. Instead there was a pen. Not a pen you write with but a pen like you keep proper animals in. Animals. And there was straw. Vince said a bit more kinky than you are used to but this wasn’t just a kinky set up – this was sick. Whatever happened I just hoped the NorFed market only thing was cast iron. There was something like a dog kennel in the corner of the pen. That was it. I turned around to give Costas a piece of my mind. We were about to have one of those artistic differences you are always reading about. I was Harry the Hamster, who did these guys think I was?
Costas gave me a whole spiel about art and suffering for one’s art. How this was a ground breaking art-scenario, real cutting edge stuff. My face would be on the cover of Bizarre Asia and more maybe even Time magazine. I was kind of convinced. I also needed the money. Let’s just do it. Whatever comes out of that kennel Harry can face it. Then I heard a voice from behind.
“Hi Harry. Long time no see.”
I turned around. It was Foxy. She was lounging on the straw looking all, well – foxy.
Bangkok Vixens Scene 1 Take 1.
The clapperboard went down.
Back at the Oriental I was on the blower to Vince. “Harry what can I say? You’ve been a hero. I swear on my mother’s grave Harry I knew nothing about this. The oilbillies have pulled a fast one on us. I swear I’ll never work with oilbillies again never mind how many newros. Some things are more important than money. Sure Harry, the Northern Fed only thing is still set in stone, don’t worry about that. Harry, look, I’ve spoken to the investors and they appreciate your feelings. Take another week at the Oriental on expenses and then fly back. Have a few junglefrenzies and check out the local hunnie bunnies. I’ve got some great work lined up for you when you get back. Maybe X-Pets do Beverley Hills, a new show where X-Pets – I’m talking about guys nowhere near as famous as yourself – go and live in Beverley Hills mansions while the owners live on farms like animals. Eat pig-food and stuff like that. I know, unbelievable but the ratings are going through the roof. I’ve been in this business a long time and nothing surprises me. See you soon Harry. Have a nice one.”
So that was that. Bangkok Vixens was released a month later on a worldwide basis in a bundle with Chicks with Dicks do Miami and Ginger Rogers III. The Northern Fed only deal applied only to Blu Ray. So that was how Foxy got to be a star. Not as big a star as Harry but still a star. She even made it onto X-Pets do Beverley Hills.
One good thing to come out of it was that Pendrivel blew a gasket.
END THIS X-PET FILTH NOW
was his first headline. And then he started writing stuff like that all the time. Real hostile, like he had it in for all X-Pets everywhere.
House of Glass 