Elvis had a thing called the fifty yard walk. Say he was getting ready for a show. No matter what frame of mind he was in he had a technique for switching into the right frame of mind for a performance. He would use this technique in the walk from his dressing room to the stage. First he would clear his mind of all the annoying stuff from the day. All the mousecrap. Then he would focus on his mantra. He would start his walk towards the stage.
I am the greatest.
Focus.
I am the King.
I am the greatest.
He would become aware of the crowd. They would be going crazy but he wouldn’t stop the mantra.
I am the greatest.
I am the King
He’d start to think of the first number, how great he would be doing it. Gotta keep the mantra going.
I am the greatest.
Think about being the greatest.
I am the King
Focus.
Then when he got on stage he was ready. Ready to be Elvis, ready to be the greatest, ready to be The King. Ready to be anything he wanted.
If it’s good enough for Elvis, the greatest performer who ever lived, it’s good enough for Harry, that’s what I say. I was at Club Magik and was going to do my single, the huge hit Move Your Body. It was the dance sensation of the year from Honolulu to Timbuktu. I was in the dressing room. Feeling a bit nervous. Just a little junglefrenzy to help out, just a small one. I started to do the Elvis walk thing. Get my mind right. Mind over matter. It’s about who wants it most. As I moved into the club I could feel the excitement of the crowd, the noise, the anticipation. I smelled excitement, adrenalin. Then all I could see were blurry lights with darkness behind. The moment was here. Harry Says Go For It. The speakers started to boom out. I exploded into action, a little bundle of furry dynamism hitting the dance floor.
move your baddy, baddy baddy baddy
move your baddy, baddy baddy baddy
move it to the left ugh
move it to the right ugh
move your baddy move it all night
move your baddy, baddy baddy baddy
move your baddy, baddy baddy baddy
baddy baddy baddy baddy
baddy baddy baddy baddy
ugh ugh ugh ugh
baddy baddy baddy baddy
baddy baddy baddy baddy
ugh ugh ugh ugh
move it move it move it move it
ugh ugh ugh ugh
The crowd went wild. I was really throwing myself around the dance floor. I could never sing except with a little squeaky hamster voice so I was miming and dancing. Fantastic stuff. Really difficult to do. Tiring though. I was only half way through the song and I was getting knackered. I maybe wasn’t in as good shape as I should be. At least I had thrown in my famous full body flip. The crowd would have gone crazy if I hadn’t done it. I started in a standing position and then jumped in the air, did a complete 360 degree flip over and landed on my feet. People thought it was great but it wasn’t really that difficult for a hamster with a finely-toned body.
I finished and got ready to stagger over to the bar. The chant went up:
Harry Harry Harry Harry
There were shouts-
Come on Harry, move that body
Shake it Harry
I was rescued from the hordes of adoring fans. The guys from GUYnacology were here and a mate Robsie had set me up a drink. Robsie lifted me up by the collar of my Armani top and put me down on the bar. My seat was an upturned shot glass. I downed the junglefrenzy and waved to the crowd. I knocked back another and boy did I need it. Club Magik was the place to be all right. It was heaving. The tottie was incredible. There was grade A tottie from wall to ceiling and for the guys from GUYnacology it must have been like shooting fish in a barrel. Good luck to them that’s what I say. Give me another junglefrenzy.
I was sitting on the bar drinking my third or fourth – who cares – junglelfrenzy when Chris Magik came in. Hundreds of pairs of eyes turned to look at him with envy. He was with Tina Wilkins and she was maybe England’s top tottie of the moment. Magik’s pulling abilities were legend but he really had got the biscuit this time. Tina was a model with the Magik Agency, signed up by Chris personally, and a cover girl for GUYnacology. And rumour had it that Chris had written it into her agency contract that she wasn’t to do topless work. Personally I believed it – you can’t blame a guy for wanting to keep the goodies to himself. They came over to the bar. Tina was a real stunner no doubt about that.
“Two margaritas and whatever these guys are having Phil,” said Chris. Chris was one of those guys who always knew the barman’s name even when he didn’t own the place. Cool.
“Hey Chris,” said Robsie, “what do you call a Turkestani who’s caught short?”
“Dunno,” said Chris “what do you call a Turkestani who’s caught short?”
Robsie took a swig of Aztec Warrior. “Mustafa Waz.”
Everyone cracked up. Mustafa Waz. Nice one. The evening was really getting underway.
House of Glass 